"Pete Turns Cop To Find Missing Cash!" screams the headline, followed by the story that a certain Mr Doherty hasn't been keeping his finances in check. Which is weird, as we'd always pictured Pete as the kind of guy who would be up until the early hours, studying his PAYE returns and eager to learn more about capital gains allowance.
Anyway, P-Do has been putting together a "crack team" to "sniff out" (Monsieur Gordon, with this wordplay you are truly spoiling us) where his money has gone. No need! Smartie Pants Gordon is here to solve said case with his investigative skills, pointing to four places where the money might have gone: "1. Up his nose 2. Used Jaguar Dealerships 3. Catteries 4. Rubbish Art Galleries."
Frankly, we're confused. Pete Doherty has stashed his money up his nose? How would that even work? Unless, of course, Gordo's referring to Pete's gigantic drug habit. In which case, he's only just cottoned on to a story that's been plastered all over his own paper since what feels like time began.
With Smart off hunting more cases (he's just heard Prince Harry might have been to Afghanistan, time to hit Google!) it's left to the 3am Girls to report on stray members of Girls Aloud. Today, it's all about poor Nicola Roberts who is very distressed at the fact a £2000 delivery from swanky online store Net-A-Porter went missing while en route to her good self. Apparently, "the police were called in to question hotel security but her stuff is still missing". Police? Get real Nicola! This is clearly a case for... Smart Gordon!
However, all this detective work seems to be letting Gordo's other skills suffer. Let's take today's revelation that the Mighty Boosh band played their "debut" show last Friday at a secret London gig. Didn't they play the Royal Albert Hall last April? Still, with so many tasks to juggle, you can't expect Gordon to worry about trifling things like getting his music news facts right as well. What do you think he is, a showbiz editor or something?
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